honesty is such a lonely word...

time for some self-improvment, folks.

i had a revelation last night through some very difficult conversation how sorely off the mark i am relationally. i've always thought that i was pretty good socially. i am a very loyal and faithful friend. but i learned last night that i am a friend to others based on what i need myself.
let me explain.
i am so willing to help others out and be "what they need" in a friend, but i give them "what they need" according to how i would best receive it. like if i was in their shoes, what would i need? ya know? but i realized last night for the first time (in this capacity) that everyone is different and needs different things, and that i can't expect my friends to always react the same way i would or need the same things i need.

i also learned that i really should spend some time alone in order to become more comfortable with whom i am...i have some major self-esteem and confidence issues that i simply never face because i'm afraid of them.

i also learned that those issues make me so afraid of losing friends that i end up driving friends away by being clingy and too attached and whatnot...

so now starts the hardest time of my life: voluntary solitude.

it will be assisted by the involuntary loss of cellularity (thanks, parents) and the will power to not need what i always have thought i needed...i think...

we'll see how it goes...

...and mostly what i need from you...