yes. yes.

...so this is the new year...

ok, so...i guess this is the combo end-of-the-summer start-of-the-new-year blog. so much to say.

it's been an incredible summer. it was long. and the beginning of it was really hard for me. a lot of pointless job-searching and loneliness and lame-ass stuff from the shelton crew. but then the show came, and it was amazing. and then i met jeff. and we had a fantastic month together before i left. and i also started medication, about which i was VERY nervous, and it has been a really good experience so far. [aka they're noticably helping.]

let me say a little bit about the people that made my summer bearable.

1) cressa marie amundsen. she's one of the greatest friends i have ever had - and i didn't know it until pretty recently. she's a gentle soul and a great listener, and very intuitive about my intentions and emotions. she also knows when to call me on shit and when to let it slide. [there are some times when i know right away i've been stupid and i don't need someone rubbing it in.] a lot of people, i think, underestimate the power of friendship with cressa, because she comes off so loud and crazy and all, and many people never get the chance to experience who she is beneath that. we needed each other this summer, and she changed my life forever. thanks, baby :)

2) jeffrey dodd johnson. what a good time we had together. we met kinda by chance, started hanging out kinda by chance, and suddenly had crushes on each other. i said "you don't wanna date me cuz i'm crazy and have a lot of baggage" and he said "i don''t care." so i said "it'll be a month long, period" and he said "alrighty." so we had an intentional fling with a few emotions involved for both of us, and we both learned a lot about ourselves and each other, and at least for me, i've taken away from it a great friendship with a cool guy who i will never forget or lose touch with. he's a great kid. i can't say that i fell in love, per se. i could have if i had let myself. but for the first time in my life, i'm able to see my situations, judge right and wrong, and make my decisions based on their later consequences, not on right now. (thank you, depakote.) it was a great experience for me, and now that it's over, i feel much more competent to take whatever is coming next.

3) jennifer anne miser. the most faithful friend i have ever known. she's been there for me since the beginning of high school, and this summer was no different. our experience together putting our show up was just wonderful for me. directing with her, singing with her, creating with her, and just being with her saved the few weeks we got to work together from being total shit. she's an amazing, caring, beautiful person who knows me through and through. she's not as gentle a friend as i sometimes wish she was, because she salts my wounds at moments - but always for my good, and she knows that. and she knows how to do it right. ^_^

4) liam malpass. coolest high school junior friend i made this summer lol. learned a lot from him by teaching him, i guess...he was always there to make me think about the answers to questions i didn't understand yet - but needed to figure out for his sake, and it was really good for me. he's also just a lot of fun, and it was wonderful to be a part of bringing him out of his shell of day 1 of rehearsal into the amazing openness he had during performances. THAT'S why i wanna be a teacher.

5) drs. jeff wagaman and rita sharangpani. helped me figure me out - and set me on the right course for steadying the next part of my life. i feel like i'm on a good track. i'm motivated, i'm ready to go, and i'm stabler emotionally. yessssssssss.

and that was my summer. now for the beginning of a new chapter of my life.

i've officially moved out of my parents' house in shelton to nashville. i'm not in school yet. just working. i'm a little scared of the whole supporting myself idea, but it's time, and i'm ready to tackle it. i can't wait.

also, it's so wonderful to be back here and see everyone again. i missed them all so much over the summer…all my mtr folk, and even my vandy friends…funny. i never realized how much time i spent with everyone – relationships get built up quick.

i’m working at the moment, mostly accompanying. i have two choirs, 4 singers, and a half hour of mtr once a week…also singing in one church choir brings in a little, and filing a library for an arranger will soon be a little extra too.

welp…i think that’s my update…that’s what i’m doing right now. i love you all – i miss you, in shelton.

geeeeeez

y'all i have so much to talk about right now...but i don't have time at the moment to do it right now. so be looking :)

why, melancholy, why?

so not normal this morning.

as soon as i became active this morning i felt down. i'm not sure why. it's a tough morning though, can't lie. i miss glen. and i'm unnecessarily and unreasonably a little upset with him...wanna know why? because i'm jealous of the experiences he's having right now and not only am i not experiencing any of them myself, i'm not able to be sharing the joy with him either...i can't talk to him, he doesn't call me, he doesn't blog often, whatever...certainly not in the least his fault, and certainly nothing bad on his part. but i miss my friend...and it makes me sad to not have any contact with him at all...i really wonder what things will be like when we get back to nashville...i wonder how different things will be...or if they will be different...i mean, i know the time spent will be different...and rightfully so...but i wonder if the attitude of the time spent will change...or if we will be different friends than we were before...that scares me, honestly...it's been so long since we've been together in a room...i miss that. ugh.

and then there's keith. things seem to be starting to get more regular than i thought they'd be...which isn't necessarily bad...but i don't want a boyfriend right now...i just really don't wanna be leading him on...i feel like i've been clear enough that i don't want anything serious...but then we talk so much and see each other almost every weekend...i don't know...i just don't want to hurt him. he's a good guy.

shelton does something to my soul...and not a good something...i get such uglies here.

about last night...

so i had my date with keith last night...and it was really a good time. i like him quite a bit...it's perhaps not a good thing that i like two boys here when i'm moving away again so very soon...especially when one of them is actually available and i kinda wanna date him...good lord...this is sucky...and fantastic...heh.

whatever. it will be what it will be :)