should auld acquaintance be forgot...

here's wishing you all a happy new year - and a happier party on the way to it.

i've never been the resolving type around this time of year, but i'm going to try a little of it this time around, since it seems to be the thing to do.

i resolve to be more honest with myself and with others around me.
i resolve to love the way i wish to be loved.
i resolve to take better care of the body god so graciously gave me.
i resolve to take better care of the relationships go so graciously gave me.
i resolve to be real in examining my needs versus my desires.

i resolve to read and re-read this as often as i may need to in order to keep these resolutions. hehe

good luck to you all on yours should you choose to make them.
otherwise, good luck to you for the coming year in general.

should auld acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind?
should auld acquaintance be forgot,
and auld lang syne?
for auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we'll tak a cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne!
and surely ye'll be your pint-stowp,
and surely I'll be mine,
and we'll tak a cup o kindness yet,
for auld lang syne!
we twa hae run about the braes,
and pou'd the gowans fine,
but we've wander'd monie a weary fit,
sin auld lang syne.
we twa hae paidl'd in the burn
frae morning sun till dine,
but seas between us braid hae roar'd
sin auld lang syne.
and there's a hand my trusty fiere,
and gie's a hand o thine,
and we'll tak a right guid-willie waught,
for auld lang syne

a little encouragement should you need some...

a mighty fortress is our god,
a bulwark never failing;
our helper, he, amid the flood
of mortal ills prevailing.
for still our ancient foe
doth seek to work us woe -
his craft and power are great
and armed with cruel hate:
on earth is not his equal.

did we in our own strength confide,
our striving would be losing;
were not the right man on our side,
the man of god's own choosing.
dost ask who that may be?
christ jesus - it is he.
lord sabbaoth his name,
from age to age the same,
and he must win the battle.

and though this world, with devils filled,
should threaten to undo us,
we will not fear, for god hath willed
his truth to triumph through us.
the prince of darkness grim,
we tremble not for him -
his rage we can endure,
for, lo, his doom is sure:
one little word shall fell him.

that word above all earthly powers,
no thanks to them, abideth;
the spirit and the gifts are ours
through him who with us sideth.
let goods and kindred go -
this mortal life, also -
the body they may kill;
god's truth abideth still:
his kingdom is forever.

amen

play the best song in the world...

today is a great day.

last night was beautiful and amazing for me.

i am learning and growing...even in the small period of one day...

god is pretty awesome, ya know? i definitely underestimated the ability he might have to help me out in this particular tough situation...he pretty much turned it into the best 24 hrs of my christmas break...i'm glad i go to a christian school where we don't have to call it 'winter holiday break.'

someone tell me where i can find an entire outfit of leather asap...i need it for a party tomorrow night. (chaps included, please.)

...or i'll eat your souls.

gettin saucy

finally made that spaghetti sauce from scratch tonight.

i was reeeeeeeeally good.

you definitely want me for a husband. whomever you may be, reading this.

i'll keep you fed...

ummm...i'll let that one marinate there for a while.

and another test...

only this one is not mine.
it is being given to me.
and i don't know if i can take it.

but i WILL pass. i WILL.

this is only a test.

just trying out this whole posting via email thang.
do i like it??
i do not know yetttttttt....

--
___________________________________________________
Play 100s of games for FREE! http://games.mail.com/

honesty is such a lonely word...

time for some self-improvment, folks.

i had a revelation last night through some very difficult conversation how sorely off the mark i am relationally. i've always thought that i was pretty good socially. i am a very loyal and faithful friend. but i learned last night that i am a friend to others based on what i need myself.
let me explain.
i am so willing to help others out and be "what they need" in a friend, but i give them "what they need" according to how i would best receive it. like if i was in their shoes, what would i need? ya know? but i realized last night for the first time (in this capacity) that everyone is different and needs different things, and that i can't expect my friends to always react the same way i would or need the same things i need.

i also learned that i really should spend some time alone in order to become more comfortable with whom i am...i have some major self-esteem and confidence issues that i simply never face because i'm afraid of them.

i also learned that those issues make me so afraid of losing friends that i end up driving friends away by being clingy and too attached and whatnot...

so now starts the hardest time of my life: voluntary solitude.

it will be assisted by the involuntary loss of cellularity (thanks, parents) and the will power to not need what i always have thought i needed...i think...

we'll see how it goes...

...and mostly what i need from you...

please...

remind me when i'm a parent not to make decisions just because...

sometimes i really have hateful feelings toward my parents...and i'm 21...

we are the champions, my friend...

oh yes.
"the seed that rose from the ground to play the ball that is dodge" (the dodgeball team i coached today) won the tournament!!! yessssssssssssssss!!!
we all got $10 mcdonalds gift cards...suhweet.

also had 'the talk' with dear old mum and dad tonight...it went as well as could be expected...which was a surprise :) still not perfect, but i can't complain. and now i am minus several emo-pounds.

[oh i am tired tonight...why, oh why, did i wake up early twice this morning?]

so now comes the actual living now that they have initially reacted - surprisingly well...we'll see how all this changes things...

...and we'll keep on fighting to the end...

and the day was perfect...

i just said this in an aim convo...i was kinda impressed with how well it came out...

God is cool with me. we love each other very much. nobody has any right to judge my relationship with him based on actions about which His Word is unclear. i am comfortable worshipping Him the best i know how according to what He tells me in my heart, not what other people believe is right.

praise god from whom all blessings flow :)

...and the next was perfect

somewhere...over the rainbow...

wow.
suddenly i feel like this night has taken a turn.

i love my parents, but sometimes they can blow hard.
they've officially driven me to a breaking point. i could cry tonight...about nothing in particular...i am so...broken tonight. my parents don't trust me, and as soon as i tell them what i have to tell them that will heighten to levels i can't even imagine right now...i'm treated like a child. my mom tried to tell me tonight that it was time for me to go to bed. i'm 21 years old and i can't decide for myself when it's time to go to bed?

i didn't realize how *home* nashville has become. i even miss the streets i live on. i miss the people i see every day. i miss bongo java. i miss my friends. today was brittney's birthday. i called her and it was so great to hear her voice...i didn't even know how much i missed her. patch called this morning too, and i didn't get a chance to call him back yet...i miss him so much too. everybody.

more than anyone right now i miss glen. i've done long-distance before. for months, actually. but somehow, this is different. harder. more...painful.

all i want is to be back in my shitty apartment in The Hillside with my disgusting roommates who disrespect me.

there's no place like home, huh?

...birds fly over the rainbow. why, then - oh, why? - can't i?

good day sunshine

actually it's still raining.
imagine that.

but it was a good day.
tim and i went shopping today because i had gift cards and needed company who could tip me on what to buy :)
i ended up with some SEXAY clothes - hehe - the most notable being a hot jacket and two pairs of ass pants. woot.
but it was a fun afternoon, especially after sleeping until 11:30...i definitely won the family sleep-in contest. yessssssssssss. if only they would buy me a prize. they said the prize was extra sleep.
jerks.
then i got home and took a trip over jon and joanna's house (my bro and his wife of a week+) to watch them open wedding presents. fuuuuuun. i left.
now i'm considering doing some experimental cooking...i want to make some spaghetti sauce from scratch...which i have never done, nor has my mother. so it really will be an experiment. but usually my experiments turn out all right...and if not, i'll know for next time hehe.
and now i go. i'll be sure to report on the sauce. mmmmmmmmmmm...

of all the gifts we have received...

i am going shopping today!!
stay tuned for the results :-D

be aware of my sexy body showing up with new clothes on, nashvegas!!

love you all

...one is most precious and most terrible: the will in each of us is free. it's in our hands...

heh...rebellion

i just now noticed how...young...the title of my blog sounds. "i don't care what you say anymore this is my life."
yyyyyyeah. i mean, i love billy joel. that's most of my motivation. of course, it is a partial message to my parents, but only because i'm home right now and they're driving me insane...tonight my dad tried to give me a curfew.

i'm 21.

"i don't need you to tell me it's time to come home."

thanks again, billy.

and the rain keeps fallin down...

oh yes.
it's raining.

but
today is a good day mostly.
had fun in the kitchen today when i finally got fed up and took over the preparation for christmas dinner with dad's side of the family. the day was relatively stress-free, considering the company, and only once did i truly wish i was not there. several times, on the other hand, did i wish i had someone else there with me. heh
i've been really noticing in myself a tendency to assume the worst in certain situations with which i think i am already familiar. let me explain. my dad and i have a somewhat strained relationship most of the time, because i always feel like he doesn't trust me or believe i can do anything for myself, and he always feels like i don't respect him or give him the time of day he deserves. but over this break, i have found that often i don't take into consideration the surrounding circumstances when things happen between us...like how stressed and depressed he can be about a certain thing or a bunch of things and then i come in with this little issue, but it's the straw that breaks the proverbial camel's back, and i don't cut him any slack for what he's dealing with at the moment. or also how i assumed that today's family get-together would be AWFUL because everyone on that side of the family is so intense and high-strung, and while they still were, it was really a fun day, and i should not have spoken so soon when describing the choas and pain that it would be...it's wasn't. i guess i'm just noticing something new about myself of which to be aware and take heed...assumptions blow.

i was just thinking...i miss the days when i was the dinnertime entertainer at the alderbrook resort restaurant. i mean, who wouldn't miss it? i got $25 an hour + tips, got to play/sing whatever i felt like at any given time, and got a free dinner from this beautiful 4-star restaurant...

too bad they sold the piano...and the resort...heh.

and now, for no particular reason, or at least not one that is clear to me, it is on my heart to share these lyrics that i love so much...i'm not sure i will ever know why this song means so much to me...goodnight everybody.

yes my friend, it's raining again today
i never understood why you chose to stay
in a climate that mostly wet and grey
when what you loved was a sun so hot
it turned the green grass brown
and the rain keeps fallin down

i thought the sky would cry itself dry by this time
i thought that i would see the sun by now
one more tear might wash away this god-forsaken town
but the rain keeps fallin down

who am i a regular kind of guy
i never let the clouds clutter up my sky
learned to party but never learned to cry
and even now my tears won't move
they're painted on a clown
but the rain keeps fallin down

i wish that i could let go
like the storm clouds burst through the dam
like a flood breaking down a wall
heaven seems to weep with far less reason
but i can't cry at all

i thought the sky would cry itself dry by this time
i thought that i would see the sun by now
one more tear might wash away this god-forsaken town
but the rain keeps fallin down

yes, the rain keeps fallin down

i've just one wish on this christmas eve...

what a day this has been...
it started with a little trouble from the parents...i'll go into that someday. remind me. i just don't have the minutes right now...anyway, started a little rough, but it has turned into one of the most peaceful nights of my life.
i led the christmas eve service tonight. i've done that for the past few years...well, to get the reality of what happened tonight, i need to tell a little more. our church doesn't use a traditional or written liturgy for any of our services, so it's up to the worship leaders and pastors as to what happens when and such. i am the only worship leader here who really cares a ton about having a christmas eve service (the others really like it when we have one, but they don't wanna volunteer to do it, see) which doesn't really bother me...i think simply because i care about it so much. but the way it works is very unlike a regular service, too, because i think christmas eve deserves to stand apart from other services. so i write the service more like a long piece of music with spoken scripture and carols and other songs intertwined to tell the story of christmas eve and to then transfigure into the "big picture" of christmas eve and focus for a little while on the cross, which then leads into communion...anyway, it's just about an hour service very dimly lit and quiet (i only play the piano and sing with a couple of other singers) but needless to say there's a lot of planning, coordination, and hours that i put into it. oh yeah, i also decorate the worship center, and this year designed the bulletins, since i had a little more time. anyway, every year i do this, and every year i seem to get so overwhelmed just before the service starts. i get nervous for some reason, and i usually forget to do a lot of stuff (like last year i forgot to even bring the bulletins up from the office, so we wasted like 300 nice papers and stuff...grrrr.) and i just kinda go a little crazy.
but this year, something very different happened. one of my singers, who was crucially important to a trio piece we were singing, dropped out at the last minute (for a very legit reason which i respect greatly) leaving us shorthanded, and soon after i got a call from one of my scripture readers calling in sick. i momentarily got flustered, but suddenly was overcome with this strange peace that had to be from god...later, we found a singer who learned a few parts in about 2 hours and the other scripture reader was gracious to read all of the verses instead of just his own - and it was no small amount heh...minutes before the service i realized that where i would normally have been freaking out when everything was going *right* i was now just calmly trusted when everything was wrong.
god is good to me.
he also helped me and my dad patch stuff up today...there are times when i just understand what a heel i can be sometimes...and they usually seem to be the times i think someone else is at their worst.
the irony of life...
this is such a strange christmas eve. i am very much at peace with my life in this second...which is a blessing from god tonight, because i have been feeling all but peace the past week and a half. i am away from my best friends and lover, i am very out of place here at home, and there is so much up in the air right now concerning my future and well-being.
but the theme of our advent service tonight was peace. i chose peace as the theme myself two weeks ago. knowing that i was going into a very directly un-peaceful time. i kinda forgot what it meant until i remembered jesus was born tonight...
praise god for healing peace.

...i wish i were with you

(yes i realize it should be was...but i didn't write the song, and now was just sounds wrong to me...so...were it is.)

merry/peaceful christmas, everyone.

for the first time...

this is blog numero uno for me here at blogspot...so welcome. to me. and i welcome you to my blog. i call it honesty central. actually i don't...i don't really call it anything yet since this is my first time really *having* it...but maybe someday i'll call it honesty central...anyway, hi. i'm excited to start all this new blogging stuff. i mean, everybody's doing it and i'm really pumped to be a part of the "in" crowd, ya know what i mean? yeah, i think i'm done for now...but this could be the start of something big...