a letter

dear...me (and anyone else to whom this may apply):

we are young. this is LIFE. now. this moment - every moment - is one to be cherished, taking each joy and each pain for exactly what it is worth: the shape of who you are. just think...if you made one tiny choice - where to turn to go home, how many dollars to splurge, who to call in your few free minutes - if you made that tiny choice differently, you may be a different person today because of it. which is why it doesn't do a person good to look too far into the future and make plans for what you want to happen...of course being prepared and ready for anything that may come along is important and necessary - stupidity is even more detremental hehe...the real issue is what we see when we look back. regret is ridiculous, to me...every choice i have made has made me who i am today, right or wrong. and i am grateful for that. so no matter what, i can't change what's happened in the past or fix a problem that came up last year or make something different from what it is, so the face value of life changes slightly...we now can look at it from the point of view that no matter what, we are alive still and kicking and enjoying and...well, we're ok.

how does this apply in current situations? well...i guess to make that clear, it' s important to say a few other things first. i'm looking for a man to love for the rest of my life - but not too actively and not committally. and that's on purpose. you see, i believe that in looking for the right person to spend the rest of my life with, i need to be searching for the person with the most things that fit with me and the fewest things that don't. (btw, don't mistake that for "things in common." those don't matter so much if the two of you fit together for real, in my opinion.) now, i've been very blessed to find someone who has a lot of things that fit with me and not too many that don't...but having found that, i can't just decide there's nothing better out there - what if i miss someone with a few more fits and a few less misses, just because i'm done looking once i've found something that works for now? i have also been blessed, in finding this particular version of fitting person, to have found one who's in the same boat as i am. we love each other in a strange way...one that says that we may not be perfect for each other, but we'll not let go of a good thing if we are...one that says i'm still young - it's not necessary to commit yet...one that says we'll still be here if we go out and find that we truly are the best match for each other. but having only looked at a few people in my life so far, i can't possibly think that i've got a good grasp first of all on what is right me and what i need, and second of all on love and romance and necessity in them. i am happy with glen, and i'm comfortable and secure with glen, but what if glen's not just the best person for me? am i selling myself short by not looking for someone else? i mean, sometimes i have to sacrifice security and momentary happiness and, frankly, ease, for just while, or else i may end up with a relationship in which i'm not as confident or as fulfilled as i should be - for the rest of my life. that's scary. more scary than saying, "glen, i love you, but we need to make sure there's not something better out there." (which, by the way, he's saying to me too - healthy.) this is by no means a dis to our relationship - we have seen first hand that we can work. but being so young and being so impressionable, it's dangerous to tell myself that i've already found the one thing that i should have as a goal for my entire adult life - which, by the way, has *just* begun. and i can know that if the two of us end up finding out that we were the best match after all, there's no regret in the looking - just all the more confidence in the rightness and necessity of that relationship.

now, how does all this apply to the living in the moment idea? well...it's time to take some action. i'm gonna go right ahead and like other people for a while - and still miss the shit out of glen while he's gone, but not because i need him to fulfil some void in my life - because he's a great friend. i'm gonna go on a few dates (and actually give them a valid chance) and i'm gonna look at the whole idea of how many things do work and don't work with each of them...which is going to be hard for me - i am one to really like settling down and being happy with one person. but this is definitely important enough to me to be honest and realistic in my view of myself and my relationships. i will not sell myself (or someone else) short on the relationship that is to shape the rest of my (his) life. it's not fair to me, to the person i'm with, and perhaps even to the two people out there who were better for each of us - if they exist.

so seize the moment. seize the opportunity to live the fullest life possible...cliche, sure...but true and real? i think so...

...i like you, someone :)