i should write a song about melatonin...

i took some melatonin around 10:30 or so tonight...i think that was the time...anyway, i took it...and at like...12 or so i guess, i started feelin it's effects and getting tired...so i closed up the computer, turned off the lights, and...wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles...I FELL ASLEEP!!!

except then i woke up again...it is currently 3:53 am...and i should NOT be awake. melatonin has almost always done the opposite of this to me - i don't really feel it make me tired or anything, but then once i do fall asleep like normal, i sleep deeply and well all through the night...this time i fell asleep quickly, but it didn't help me at all to sleep deeply or long or anything...and now i'm wide awake and all alone on the internet...again...

so i figure, i might as well update the ol' blog since it's been a while...even though nobody reads it lol.

well, blog, there's not much going on in my life these days...same as it has been - unreciprocatedly, very slightly rewardingly, yet somehow quite happily in love...with someone who *should* simply be my best friend instead of me having fallen for him...i mean, as much as i don't mind being in love with him in and of itself, things would be much simpler if our feelings for each other were the same...and so, therefore, as is my nature, i of course wish that i felt as he does...which is not in love. however, things are what they are, i suppose, and that can't be changed, at least not for now. i think this is all fresh in my mind mostly because he and i talked about it some last night on the phone - like, just kinda outlining the differences between how i view our relationship and how he views it...it was good for me, because i was unclear on much of how he views it...and now i can kinda see how i can work toward that as a goal rather than where i am...problem is though, i'm still in love, and that's hard to change. i mean, it can happen...but i mean, enough of me still wants to hold out for him to love me too...in that way, i mean. but then, i'm also fairly well convinced that i'm not really what he is looking for in a long term relationship, at least for now, and i don't know if it is worth it to just sit here and hope, ya know?

all that, though, is rather moot when i think, really, i don't care much. my life right now is very day-to-day, kinda, and while i couldn't bear to lose his presence in my life altogether or his friendship to me completely, i know i would live if he told me he'd never fall in love with me...i'm at a very...take-life-as-it-comes place right now...which means, easy or not, i'm prepared for whatever is gonna happen at any given moment...

i sure do love him a lot, though :) he's a good guy. and he's been great to me. i will definitely cherish his friendship forever, no matter what happens to us in romanceland. i'm certain that we are strong enough for that :) we are musical friends and we know each other well...and i will never let that go, because there is no reason to ever let any kind of friendship fade.

and as always, blog, i have managed to begin by saying i have nothing to say and proceeded to write pages.

wanna know who i love the most tonight blog? my jesus. today was the day that he rose from the dead for me. this particular easter was a hard one for me to swallow, because i was alone and because church was sad instead of celebratory and because i was hungry...but i got to thinking, i was kinda dwelling on the bad side of the day all day long...i should not have let those feelings and emotions and situations get in the way of what my heart was longing to celebrate...for that, jesus, i am sorry...and i thank you more than ever before for the gift of life you gave me when you died and rose again. hehe...i just start smiling uncontrollably with the thought that every day comes and goes and i somehow manage to forget that satan is already defeated! i am totally free of his bondage. i don't have to worry anymore...because jesus - while god, a human - literally DIED and then CAME BACK TO LIFE...what a beautiful thought. and how could i possibly forget it? and yet every day i do...i want to live with the continuous thought that jesus already won...and i get to live because of it...HOLY COW! hehe

thanks, lord. i love you so much...

goodnight.