today, today...

catchin the theme? lol

what an interesting day it's been today...
such a wide array of emotions has passed through me today...and only passed through me. none of them really registered as mine, although i felt them all...they just kind of...passed through me. i woke up feeling great, ironed, and walked in the sunshine for a half-hour before meeting girls to practice for a performance on wednesday...i felt very energized, very self-assured, very capable, and very loved all through the beginning of the afternoon. then came a little irritation that could have become anger were it actually housing in me for a while...however, even though it passed through, my mood was pressed for an hour or two...i feel great now, actually :) it's a good night.

sometimes i wonder if it's too much to ask of some people, though, that they simply say "i'm sorry" now and then...

tonight, tonight...

...won't be just any night!!

good weekend y'all.

love you.

last night, last night...

last night was just about the greatest time i've had in a loooooooooong time. i can't tell you how much freedom there is in partying sometimes lol...it was a really fun night.

glen and i were here for a long time...then madeleine and luisa came along...and theeeeeeeen the partay started. oh yes. it was a good time.

then i slept until...i don't even know when...it was fantastic.

...and no leftovers...

yeozzssssss...

YEOSSSSSSSS!

today is a great day, in my opinion. i awakened to a beautiful morning, and a nice walk to voice lessons. then i had a GREAT lesson - sang a freakin B, and WELL (i love mrs. halbert). then i had a nice break during which i shaved, ate, and walked to seminar, which was also great. then we rehearsed cats, and i just about died. but it was really fun. then we had some dinner. and now i sit here, unhungry, showered, and satisfied...

today is a great day...

aaaaand i'm done.

take a ride on my twelve-cyllinder symphony...

i spent about 10 minutes trying to decide what to name this post...that's what i ended up with...not sure why. i think it was pretty much the only lyric i thought of that i wasn't like "no, no, no. that doesn't work at all." so...that it is...it's a line from robbie williams's duet "kids" with kylie minogue from the 2000 release "sing when you're winning," just in case you wonder.

tonight is a good night, i think. i spent the weekend in lexington, ky. it's nice to be back. it was a good weekend, don't get me wrong...interesting, but really quite fun overall. it is good to be back here though...not really sure why. but right now i'm sitting here in glen's room while he's at a meeting for VOP and i'm just chillin...listening to robbie williams...doy...and kinda watching match game...thinking about getting some food soon...but i'll probably wait until glen gets back to get food. anyway...

what's the point of this post? i'm not sure. i feel like my friends have been weirdish lately...but maybe it's me if they're all different, right? i mean...most of my belmont friends have been stand-offish to me recently. and i don't think anything's changed. i guess i'm not around "hanging out" as much as i used to be...but i never really was that much anyway. and they can't blame me for not hanging out when i'm not invited often...and when i am it's too late cuz it's really spur of the moment or just...not something i can do. not my fault. oh well...the weekend was pretty cool :) i just hope that the rest of them are still ok with me...i mean, i'm not thinking i need to change for them or anything...but i certainly don't want an awkward semester...oh well. maybe i'm imagining it anyway.

i'm hungry. like whoa.

and i'm happy...happy to be here. i have never been in this deep before.

but if you got other plans...

you ask me if there'll come a day when i will tire of you...

this is another one of those good days. responsibility is satisfying, y'all. dono't ever underestimate it (like i will tomorrow). lessons to be learned, yes?

...never my love.

nights like this...

suhweet. it's snowing. it's cold. and i'm warm.

today has simply been a really great day.

i woke up happy. had a good time in voice lessons. ate a nice lunch alone. we starting singing "cats" (ugh - but somehow i really like it...???). i GOT a phone call...happy.

...i'm glad to be where i am.

lazy days calling to you...

i've been sitting today.
that's all, really. i woke up in glen's bed (don't worry he wasn't here. he had to go home to b-more for church today. i just wanted to sleep somewhere that i could actually rest.) and i haven't moved from it yet. he'll be back here tonight at some point, and i may or may not still be here when he gets back. i suppose i will be needing food sometime...hmmm....

*if* i can get my lazy ass off this bed, which is not only in a quieter, politer room, but is ::much:: more comfortable than my 6"-thick top bunk...ugh. thanks, glenables.

it is good to sit here today. i have been thinking a lot...and for the first time in quite a while, that's not a bad thing. thinking has been good for me the past couple of days...it's funny how that works, isn't it? i've discovered that thinking about the future is not a reasonable thing to do until a certain point in one's life...because there is no point in thinking about the future unless there is a definite future about which to think -- as definite as it can be, anyhow. but you know what i mean? i've tried to think of the future of this relationship before, and it's just not worth it, because as far as i can truly know right now, there is no basis for future thought. i am MUCH happier just letting it happen as it does right now, because unless/until there is mutual committment in any kind of plans, there is no rationality in making plans that are one-sided...it's actually pretty selfish. i have simply learned to think of really how happy i am right now, and how much i love the life with which God has blessed me in these days.

wasn't planning on saying all of that. but i did. :) mmmmmmk. i'm done for now.

come out to play. the future lies with you...

sometimes i'm a whiny pussy.

that about says it all.

no wait. not all. let's add to that, why can't i just plain trust certain people and have a more complete sense of self-esteem through said trust?

i don't get me sometimes...

have a great night, everyone...like i am :)

spread the love.

"heh" is just about the way it goes today...

people often tell me in chats that i say "heh" too much...but sometimes, it's the only thing there is to express what's happening inside me...

today is a heh day. everything is just striking me as...mostly...indifferent. decision makers are not making decisions and i'm left, slightly confused, to figure it out and spread the word...but then that risks that it's not what everyone else wants, and it's my fault for setting up this lame deal. heh.


then there's other stuff...that i can't explain. where i just get into these heh moods and all that could change it is romance. which blows. i don't wanna be that kind of person. i'd be so annoyed at me if i were dating me...because of these stupid moods where i just wanna be treated all special and sweet...but i don't deserve it. but then, my mood won't change until that happens...or until i sleep a night. heh.

in a half hour i am going to walk to vandy. in the rain and cold. heh.

but the trip will be worth it...i suspect. it almost always is.

this love thing is really something...heh.

uh huh...uh huh-uh huh-uh huh

today is a great day.

started a new bunch of classes today...late in the day (woot woot). i am soooo happy to be back in n-town...i've missed everything about it here...well, not everything...but a lot.

yesterday was actually the greatest day in a VERY long time. like a VEEERRRRRRRRRRY long time.

but it was really great.

and now i've said all that needs to be said right around now. more later perhaps.

love.

thanks stuart, whom i have never met...

i think this is one of the most relevant things i've read in a long time.

http://quietfight.blogspot.com/2006/01/my-new-years-resolution.html

go there. enjoy.

tonight's the night...

i'm feeling much better this morning.

i mean, of course it's not like everything's perfect...but i feel much better. i can think more clearly and...uh...i guess, based on reality instead of my emotions.

today is the day that i leave shelton *finally* and live again in nashville. i can't even wait...this day will be torture...my plane is scheduled to leave the LAST MINUTE OF THE DAY. but not complete torture, i suppose, because it is the day of goodbyes, which i like, for some reason...

i think i'm going to go get started on all of that now.

...everything's gonna be all right.

it's my party...

ya know...there are times that i need to not rationalize what i'm feeling in order to make the situation better at the moment...because i realize that making it feel better now by not dealing with it will make it feel worse later.

i could logicize that my overreactions (they are overreactions, i think) are just emotional (which they are) and that i will easily be able to get over it when my mind is cleared up (which i will). but no matter how true all of that is, i still have to take my turn to cry a few hours and let myself feel...just for a little while...because it makes it that much easier to not get angry and more hurt by everything...

insecurity blows. i mean, i've always had this low self-esteem, mostly physically, which has really been changing by leaps and bounds lately...sadly, though, the person who has aided my growth most in this area is also the only person who can undo the work that's been done...oh well. i honestly believe that his intentions were right and good, and i do trust him to be faithful to me in whatever fashion he deems necessary...

but as great as all that is, it doesn't make it easy to deal with and watch and live.

i think this is pretty much what i said last night, isn't it? heh...ok then.
i'm done.

why am i so stupid? oh well...it happens.

in the wee small hours of the morning...

once again, i can't sleep. only this time, it matters. i have to be awake at 7:15.

but there is a reason i can't sleep tonight.

it is because my heart is experiencing things it's never experienced. i was talking to glen tonight, and i said something like this: loving someone hurts way more than it should. he agreed. soon after that, i fell asleep for about 45 minutes. then i was awakened, and haven't been back yet. in the since transpired time i have analyzed the above statement just a little, and i've come to disagree with it myself. the amendment: loving someone hurts way more than you'd ever expect it to, and sometimes you just have to wonder if it's really worth all the pain. i don't think the first version is right, because i believe in order to know you're truly in love, it must hurt you more than anything has ever hurt before. that's what proves the depth of the love. however, knowing that doesn't make it any easier to feel it, agreed?

i mean, i am in love with someone right now who is not in love with me. likes me, i believe, but is not in love with me. just that in itself is enough to hurt more than i'd ever want it to. but what really hurts the most is that because of the different positions of our hearts, we see situations differently and follow different rules. i can see why the rules he follows work for him, and i am not angered by them in the very least, but simply because i'm coming from a different angle and wouldn't go by the same rules, my initial reaction to his rules is less than desirable, i'm sure. so, i have to examine my own heart and make sure that i am ready to stand firm and be the love for him that i so badly want in return in order that he just *might* be ready for me at some point in the future. of course, i still run the risk of devoting so much time and energy to potential failure, which i must also come to terms with beforehand, just in case. that's what hurts.

but you know what? somehow, i'm ok with taking the pain...

this is love calling earth...do you know how much it hurts?

i've only been awake just over an hour and already this is a stupid day.

#1. Mom tried to wake me up today, asking if i was planning to sleep the day away. It was 11:30. I said I didn't feel like getting up yet and I could decide when for myself. She got mad.

#2. I came downstairs at 1:00 and Dad was still home for lunch. We needed to talk, he said. He's taking me off their car insurance (big deal - i'm not coming home anymore) and threatening me a little more about cell phone use (when i go back *home* to nashville - which is looking more and more like it's actually gonna happen ~ oh yea - forgot to tell you i got the "we don't know if we can support what you're doing in nashville" talk last night and the "thinking about not sending you back" along with it...as if i need them to send me back.)

#3. Mom accused me *again* of dumb things that I didn't do simply because they can't trust me enough to assume I wouldn't. (Things like calling phone sex lines and hooking up with random boys while i've been home. Yea, that's my bag.)

so i left the house. and now i'm sitting here, a little stressed, worried about someone, and listening to norah jones, heightening the irony of all of this: i come down here to relax, get out of the house, calm my nerves (norah does it better than many), and it all ends up following me in the midst of my relaxation.

all right. i'm done for nizzow. be back later maybe. or maybe not.

...i didn't die overnight...in the wind i had candlelight...

i am being crushed

they'll know we are christians by our what?

saddest moment...

holy crap.

that was the most intense 30 seconds i've experienced in a couple months. the rose bowl just ended, ripping the national championship, trembling, out of the hands of sweet USC and oh so sadly proclaiming the Texas Longhorns the country's best of 2005/6. it was a valiant effort leinart, bush, and team...and i must admit the texans played a very good game...but my soul is temporarily crushed...i need some lovin. hehe

today has been an interesting day. i woke up late, spent the afternoon at urraco (my coffee shop) and the church, and came home to go to the store for mom. then came the football game.
but the day was interesting not because of any of those things...but simply because i've been in spirits today that i have not experienced in a long time, and that i doubt i can well describe. it's been a very...melancholy contentness, i guess. i've been happy and satisfied with life today (and recently in general) but today has had a somewhat blue undertone, making the day just a very mellow near-complacent one. this game has sealed that feeling as reality and permanent until sleep comes...unless i am surprised by some FABULOUS surprise tonight.
anybody? anybody??

until next time i remain wistfully yours,
j-dub

i know you, i walked with you once upon a dream...

i just took a quiz: which disney character is your alter ego?
my results?

princess aurora (aka sleeping beauty).

i'll just let that one lay.

what would *you* do for a klondike bar?

i worked all day in the rain today. for $25. not even a friggin klondike bar.

what a weird day so far. it suddenly hit me today when i started planning the church service for sunday morning that this is really the last time i get to do what i do in my home church...by my own choice, but that doesn't eliminate the emotion...and it's only by my own choice now because it won't be later. but i started thinking about the duet that i will sing with faith (the most beautiful female voice this side of the ol' miss) and actually broke down on the drive home from work. i just started crying because there is so much injustice and hypocrisy and contradiction in what's going on in the church today. i can't imagine we're the bride jesus had in mind when he asked her to marry him...

but he will be faithful and wait until she comes around...what an incredible guy...

all the waiters in your new cafe leave their tables when you blink...

last night i watched "cinderella man" with my family. i'd forgotten how passionately i love to watch boxing. BUT not only were the boxing scenes terrifically carried out (beauitful camera work woot woot), but the movie itself was also very engaging and enjoyable. i was pleasantly surprised after the first 45 minutes that went just slightly too slow to find that the pacing for the rest of the movie was really great and...i'm a dork. why must i analyze the way i do? lol

i need a camera. i have gotten into this mood lately where i want to take pictures of myself for fun (not as vain as it sounds, trust me) but i have no camera of my own...however, i haven't tried yet to see if my parents' camera will hook up well to this computer...i should try, eh?

i am having an observatory day at the coffee shop. it's been about an hour and half here so far, and i have watched so many people come in and out...sometimes it's so humbling to remember that each and every other person on the planet has just as much of a life as i do...they all have their own plans, their own issues, their own narcissisms...just like me...i often forget that. it's good to remember.

i need to find someone in nashville who wants to record me...but i also need to find out if i'm just like everyone else or if i actually have something different...i mean, of course i feel like i'm different, but everyone does...i wonder...hmmmm...

i am ready to stop blogging at the moment. see y'all.

don't ask me why...

no hideaway...no soft guitars...

tonight is the happiest lonely i have ever been.

i've been happy in the midst of lonely before, and i've been lonely in the midst of happy before. this, though, is different. it's as if the two directly opposing emotions suddenly fell in love and eloped. they didn't even invite anyone else to the wedding...probably cuz they knew it was such a romeo and juliet relationship to start out. but, star-crossed as it may be, it is really working out well this evening. they are complimenting each other (in the way true love should) in such a way that i am strangely satisfied by simply missing him. i think those thoughts i also thought just nights ago, and suddenly, i am no longer filled with sadness of their unfulfilment but with hope of their true satisfaction.

my romance doesn't need a castle rising in spain, nor a dance to a constantly surprising refrain...wide awake, i can make my most fantastic dreams come true. my romance doesn't need a thing...but you :)