in the wee small hours of the morning...

once again, i can't sleep. only this time, it matters. i have to be awake at 7:15.

but there is a reason i can't sleep tonight.

it is because my heart is experiencing things it's never experienced. i was talking to glen tonight, and i said something like this: loving someone hurts way more than it should. he agreed. soon after that, i fell asleep for about 45 minutes. then i was awakened, and haven't been back yet. in the since transpired time i have analyzed the above statement just a little, and i've come to disagree with it myself. the amendment: loving someone hurts way more than you'd ever expect it to, and sometimes you just have to wonder if it's really worth all the pain. i don't think the first version is right, because i believe in order to know you're truly in love, it must hurt you more than anything has ever hurt before. that's what proves the depth of the love. however, knowing that doesn't make it any easier to feel it, agreed?

i mean, i am in love with someone right now who is not in love with me. likes me, i believe, but is not in love with me. just that in itself is enough to hurt more than i'd ever want it to. but what really hurts the most is that because of the different positions of our hearts, we see situations differently and follow different rules. i can see why the rules he follows work for him, and i am not angered by them in the very least, but simply because i'm coming from a different angle and wouldn't go by the same rules, my initial reaction to his rules is less than desirable, i'm sure. so, i have to examine my own heart and make sure that i am ready to stand firm and be the love for him that i so badly want in return in order that he just *might* be ready for me at some point in the future. of course, i still run the risk of devoting so much time and energy to potential failure, which i must also come to terms with beforehand, just in case. that's what hurts.

but you know what? somehow, i'm ok with taking the pain...