today

jesus, john lennon, baz luhrmann, the eagles, mariah carey, ghandi, wilson pickett, and sting.

never understood happiness until today.

but now i do.

i see where they were coming from now...

so...

so...i'm a jackass.

and i don't deserve the friends i have.

and i suppose as much as it pains me to think it, i *do* deserve the dry spell. but it's sure making me just itch from the inside.

a better day...

well, i'm in the same physical place i was a week ago...in the same physical situation as i was...mentally MUCH more stable...and i can't believe that spring break is almost over. it is ending very similarly to how it started...

glen is gone, and i am in his room.

this time, though, it much different from last time in that i can breathe easily and i'm not scared to leave the building...however, i lost track of time cleaning glen's room and now it is a time of night at which i do not feel comfortable walking back to belmont packing very valuable things...therefore, i will sleep here (hopefully sometime soon, so as not to have to suffer the knowledge that i'm hungry lol - and so as to get an earlier *aka reasonable* start tomorrow).

what a week this has been.

it was very fun, for the most part. i don't know if i can communicate how thankful i am for glen's friendship and patience with me. we had some really great times this week.

wednesday night was very difficult for me for a few reasons. i made a snippety remark at glen without thinking which got him upset, and the night ended up, ironically, with the two of us getting along better than we do even regularly and me making an emotional break-through by means of break-down...i learned a little about myself, admitted a few things to myself, and learned some about glen as well...

i have an odd love for him. it doesn't always persist as an in love "feeling," and i don't see myself as committed to him sexually or emotionally...but it still never goes away. he fascinates me...i have truly never met a person so difficult for me to understand. maybe that's why i am so addicted to him...because i never get him like i get other people, and just when i think i do, he throws me a curve. sometimes i think he does it on purpose just to keep from being figured out...but again, that could just be how much i don't get him lol. i sure do love him though. i love the mystery of him, and i love his personality. time spent with him is so much different than with anyone else i've ever encountered.

i have realized now, though, that i should be spending more time with other people too, as should he. that scares me a little, if i'm honest with myself, but i decided the other night that this is first step i'm taking in an offensive attempt to grow up, in a way - i must relearn to depend on others and trust them in regards to their relationships with me. so, i'll be spending more nights at home and more time with other friends. i'm feeling very mixed about it, but overall i am excited for this new leaf i'm turning over.

now i have to plan a way to get out of the building, get some food, and get back into the building...because i just decided that it would be neither easy *nor* healthy to stay the rest of this night without eating, considering that i have not eaten anything today.

i'm retarded. i'll order delivery lol. well that was an easy solution.

i'm out for the night, smiling all the way.

i don't know what's wrong with me today...

i am so lonely today i don't even know what to do with myself. i haven't felt this low in...maybe years. seriously.

i'm sitting in glen's room while he's back in baltimore. i am supposed to be going back to my own apartment tonight, and i just got ready to leave here to go back, but i got scared. i got this feeling of being utterly alone...as if i could walk away from here, never make it home, and never be missed. i even got myself all pumped up to overcome this fear, but i couldn't leave the building...

six times.

it's ridiculous, i know...but i'm really scared here...all i want in the world is somebody here with me...preferably someone who will hold me and comfort me...but ya know, i'd even do with someone who just knows me and would spend this time with me...i feel like i'm the only person alive in nashville right now...i don't know what the problem is. when i was sick over thanksgiving break i didn't see another human being for 4 days straight...but i never got this lonely...and i've only been alone for 8 hours...sleeping most of it!

i sure wish i wasn't this way...it sounds so unstable and emotional and whatever...it's annoying to me, not to mention i'm sure the people who are trying to help me gain confidence in myself and be stronger in who i am. sorry, glen. do i get a freebie every now and then? is it ok that i'm depressed?

i hate this.

somebody come be with me...i can't handle this.

until then, i'm in glen's room.